Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
