and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
