I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
