the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
