flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
