Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
