OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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