Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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