What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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