it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
