If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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