just come out here and I will go home with you...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
