I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
