I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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