dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just gift wrapped bread.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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