I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
