and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
