Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
