Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize