guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Your penis caused this!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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