Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How does one acquire holy water?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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