party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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