I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
