She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize