after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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