i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
