i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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