today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Never underestimate the power of titties
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