I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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