We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
