your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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