If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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