I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She bit a glass in half.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize