Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize