so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
