wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
