My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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