if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
