Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
