i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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