mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
