My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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