At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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