Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
