We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
