If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
