No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
