There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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