The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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