I love black thongs
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
