I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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