You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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