two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
