he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
