I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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